FOR a few months I remained peaceably at home, in the quiet
enjoyment of liberty and rest, and genuine friendship, from all of which I had
fasted so long; and in the earnest prosecution of my studies, to recover what I
had lost during my stay at Wellwood House, and to lay in new stores for future
use. My father's health was still very infirm, but not materially worse than
when I last saw him; and I was glad I had it in my power to cheer him by my
return, and to amuse him with singing his favourite songs.
No one triumphed over my failure, or said I had better have taken his or her
advice, and quietly stayed at home. All were glad to have me back again, and
lavished more kindness than ever upon me, to make up for the sufferings I had
undergone; but not one would touch a shilling of what I had so cheerfully earned
and so carefully saved, in the hope of sharing it with them. By dint of pinching
here, and scraping there, our debts were already nearly paid. Mary had had good
success with her drawings; but our father had insisted upon HER likewise keeping
all the produce of her industry to herself. All we could spare from the supply
of our humble wardrobe and our little casual expenses, he directed us to put
into the savings'-bank; saying, we knew not how soon we might be dependent on
that alone for support: for he felt he had not long to be with us, and what
would become of our mother and us when he was gone, God only knew!
Dear papa! if he had troubled himself less about the afflictions that
threatened us in case of his death, I am convinced that dreaded event would not
have taken place so soon. My mother would never suffer him to ponder on the
subject if she could help it.
'Oh, Richard!' exclaimed she, on one occasion, 'if you would but dismiss such
gloomy subjects from your mind, you would live as long as any of us; at least
you would live to see the girls married, and yourself a happy grandfather, with
a canty old dame for your companion.'
My mother laughed, and so did my father: but his laugh soon perished in a
dreary sigh.
'THEY married - poor penniless things!' said he; 'who will take them I
wonder!'
'Why, nobody shall that isn't thankful for them. Wasn't I penniless when you
took me? and you PRETENDED, at least, to be vastly pleased with your
acquisition. But it's no matter whether they get married or not: we can devise a
thousand honest ways of making a livelihood. And I wonder, Richard, you can
think of bothering your head about our POVERTY in case of your death; as if THAT
would be anything compared with the calamity of losing you - an affliction that
you well know would swallow up all others, and which you ought to do your utmost
to preserve us from: and there is nothing like a cheerful mind for keeping the
body in health.'
'I know, Alice, it is wrong to keep repining as I do, but I cannot help it:
you must bear with me.'
'I WON'T bear with you, if I can alter you,' replied my mother: but the
harshness of her words was undone by the earnest affection of her tone and
pleasant smile, that made my father smile again, less sadly and less transiently
than was his wont.
'Mamma,' said I, as soon as I could find an opportunity of speaking with her
alone, 'my money is but little, and cannot last long; if I could increase it, it
would lessen papa's anxiety, on one subject at least. I cannot draw like Mary,
and so the best thing I could do would be to look out for another situation.'
'And so you would actually try again, Agnes?'
'Decidedly, I would.'
'Why, my dear, I should have thought you had had enough of it.'
'I know,' said I, 'everybody is not like Mr. and Mrs. Bloomfield - '
'Some are worse,' interrupted my mother.
'But not many, I think,' replied I, 'and I'm sure all children are not like
theirs; for I and Mary were not: we always did as you bid us, didn't we?'
'Generally: but then, I did not spoil you; and you were not perfect angels
after all: Mary had a fund of quiet obstinacy, and you were somewhat faulty in
regard to temper; but you were very good children on the whole.'
'I know I was sulky sometimes, and I should have been glad to see these
children sulky sometimes too; for then I could have understood them: but they
never were, for they COULD not be offended, nor hurt, nor ashamed: they could
not be unhappy in any way, except when they were in a passion.'
'Well, if they COULD not, it was not their fault: you cannot expect stone to
be as pliable as clay.'
'No, but still it is very unpleasant to live with such unimpressible,
incomprehensible creatures. You cannot love them; and if you could, your love
would be utterly thrown away: they could neither return it, nor value, nor
understand it. But, however, even if I should stumble on such a family again,
which is quite unlikely, I have all this experience to begin with, and I should
manage better another time; and the end and aim of this preamble is, let me try
again.'
'Well, my girl, you are not easily discouraged, I see: I am glad of that.
But, let me tell you, you are a good deal paler and thinner than when you first
left home; and we cannot have you undermining your health to hoard up money
either for yourself or others.'
'Mary tells me I am changed too; and I don't much wonder at it, for I was in
a constant state of agitation and anxiety all day long: but next time I am
determined to take things coolly.'
After some further discussion, my mother promised once more to assist me,
provided I would wait and be patient; and I left her to broach the matter to my
father, when and how she deemed it most advisable: never doubting her ability to
obtain his consent. Meantime, I searched, with great interest, the advertising
columns of the newspapers, and wrote answers to every 'Wanted a Governess' that
appeared at all eligible; but all my letters, as well as the replies, when I got
any, were dutifully shown to my mother; and she, to my chagrin, made me reject
the situations one after another: these were low people, these were too exacting
in their demands, and these too niggardly in their remuneration.
'Your talents are not such as every poor clergyman's daughter possesses,
Agnes,' she would say, 'and you must not throw them away. Remember, you promised
to be patient: there is no need of hurry: you have plenty of time before you,
and may have many chances yet.'
At length, she advised me to put an advertisement, myself, in the paper,
stating my qualifications, &c.
'Music, singing, drawing, French, Latin, and German,' said she, 'are no mean
assemblage: many will be glad to have so much in one instructor; and this time,
you shall try your fortune in a somewhat higher family in that of some genuine,
thoroughbred gentleman; for such are far more likely to treat you with proper
respect and consideration than those purse-proud tradespeople and arrogant
upstarts. I have known several among the higher ranks who treated their
governesses quite as one of the family; though some, I allow, are as insolent
and exacting as any one else can be: for there are bad and good in all classes.'
The advertisement was quickly written and despatched. Of the two parties who
answered it, but one would consent to give me fifty pounds, the sum my mother
bade me name as the salary I should require; and here, I hesitated about
engaging myself, as I feared the children would be too old, and their parents
would require some one more showy, or more experienced, if not more accomplished
than I. But my mother dissuaded me from declining it on that account: I should
do vastly well, she said, if I would only throw aside my diffidence, and acquire
a little more confidence in myself. I was just to give a plain, true statement
of my acquirements and qualifications, and name what stipulations I chose to
make, and then await the result. The only stipulation I ventured to propose, was
that I might be allowed two months' holidays during the year to visit my
friends, at Midsummer and Christmas. The unknown lady, in her reply, made no
objection to this, and stated that, as to my acquirements, she had no doubt I
should be able to give satisfaction; but in the engagement of governesses she
considered those things as but subordinate points; as being situated in the
neighbourhood of O-, she could get masters to supply any deficiencies in that
respect: but, in her opinion, next to unimpeachable morality, a mild and
cheerful temper and obliging disposition were the most essential requisities.
My mother did not relish this at all, and now made many objections to my
accepting the situation; in which my sister warmly supported her: but, unwilling
to be balked again, I overruled them all; and, having first obtained the consent
of my father (who had, a short time previously, been apprised of these
transactions), I wrote a most obliging epistle to my unknown correspondent, and,
finally, the bargain was concluded.
It was decreed that on the last day of January I was to enter upon my new
office as governess in the family of Mr. Murray, of Horton Lodge, near O-, about
seventy miles from our village: a formidable distance to me, as I had never been
above twenty miles from home in all the course of my twenty years' sojourn on
earth; and as, moreover, every individual in that family and in the
neighbourhood was utterly unknown to myself and all my acquaintances. But this
rendered it only the more piquant to me. I had now, in some measure, got rid of
the MAUVAISE HONTE that had formerly oppressed me so much; there was a pleasing
excitement in the idea of entering these unknown regions, and making my way
alone among its strange inhabitants. I now flattered myself I was going to see
something in the world: Mr. Murray's residence was near a large town, and not in
a manufacturing district, where the people had nothing to do but to make money;
his rank from what I could gather, appeared to be higher than that of Mr.
Bloomfield; and, doubtless, he was one of those genuine thorough-bred gentry my
mother spoke of, who would treat his governess with due consideration as a
respectable well- educated lady, the instructor and guide of his children, and
not a mere upper servant. Then, my pupils being older, would be more rational,
more teachable, and less troublesome than the last; they would be less confined
to the schoolroom, and not require that constant labour and incessant watching;
and, finally, bright visions mingled with my hopes, with which the care of
children and the mere duties of a governess had little or nothing to do. Thus,
the reader will see that I had no claim to be regarded as a martyr to filial
piety, going forth to sacrifice peace and liberty for the sole purpose of laying
up stores for the comfort and support of my parents: though certainly the
comfort of my father, and the future support of my mother, had a large share in
my calculations; and fifty pounds appeared to me no ordinary sum. I must have
decent clothes becoming my station; I must, it seemed, put out my washing, and
also pay for my four annual journeys between Horton Lodge and home; but with
strict attention to economy, surely twenty pounds, or little more, would cover
those expenses, and then there would be thirty for the bank, or little less:
what a valuable addition to our stock! Oh, I must struggle to keep this
situation, whatever it might be! both for my own honour among my friends and for
the solid services I might render them by my continuance there.
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