ToLoveaStranger
桑德·史密斯/SandeSmith
Aparentsinceshewasfifteen,myseventy-six-year-oldmotherusedtolongforthedaywhenshecouldjustsitanddonothing.Nomoretakingcareofthechildren.Nomoreworryingaboutwhethertherewasenoughmoneytopaythebills.Nomoreresponsibilities.
Shegotherwish.Everydaynow,shesitsinanursinghome,tappingherfingersonherchairinasyncopatedrhythmthatremindsmeofbebop,talkingtoherselfaboutherfather,whodiedwhenshewaseight.
「MildredMildred.」Isay.
Shelooksupatme,hereyesbrighten,andhersmilerevealssnaggleslikethoseofafive-year-old.「Comehere,babydoll,」shesays.
Irushovertoher,pullcloseachair,andsitdown.
「Hey,Mildred,howareyou?」Idon』tcallherMommyanymore.Shedoesn』tanswertoMommy.
MymotherwasdiagnosedwithAlzheimer』sin1984,rightafterIgraduatedfromcollege.Whileinschool,Isawsignsthatsomethingwaswrong.Often,whenIwouldcallhome,shewouldbeupsetbecauseshe』dlosthermoney.「Mommyneverloseshermoney.」I』dthink.
Ifoughtthedisease.Throughchangesindoctors,diet,andmedicine,andthroughtheadditionofChineseherbs,mymother』shealthimproved.Shelostseventy-fivepoundsandregainedherabilitytoconversewithotherpeople.Yet,despiteprofoundphysicalimprovement,theAlzheimer』scontinuedtounravelhermindoverthenextsixyears.
Ilivedwithmymotherfrom1984to1990,astheillnessslowlytookitstoll.Itwasappallingtowatchherchangerightinfrontofme.Shedidn』tjustforgetthings.Shebecameadifferentperson—onewhomIdidnotrecognize.Whenmyboyfriendwouldwatchtelevision,she』dwalkincirclesaroundhischair,mutteringunderherbreathandscowling.Shekeptahammerhiddeninherroomandwieldeditattheslightestprovocation.Ifshegotoutofthehouse,she』drefusetocomebackin.Instead,shewouldrundownthestreet,callingforthepolicetohelpher.She』dcometobelievethatshewasapoliceofficer—aconvictiontouchedoffbyaletterinvitinghertotakethecivilservicetest.Onlyanotherpoliceofficercouldconvincehertocomeintothehouse.
Thisisnotmymother,Iwouldtellmyself.Mymotherhadnointerestinmen;thispersoncalledmenovertoherwindow.Mymothernevercried,yetthiswomanbrokeintotearsattheslightestthing.Mymotheralwaysappearedpoliteandgood-natured.Thiswomanwasquick-temperedandslightlyparanoid.Shemovedmagazines,silverware,dishes,andclothingaroundthehouse.WhenIaskedabouttheobjects,she』dbecomeangryandyellatmeforthinkingshehaddonesomethingwrong.Shetoldmethatotherpeople,notshe,hadmovedthesethings.
「Comehere,」she』dsayforcefully,grabbingmyhandandpullingmeintoherroom.「Listen.Doyouhearthem?Theytookit.」
Tolearnmoreaboutthedisease,mysisterandIattendedgroupsforfamiliesofAlzheimer』spatients.Welearnednottoblamemymotherforthingsshesaidordid.TheAlzheimer』swastalking,nother.
Asthediseaseprogressed,mymothergrewfrightened.She』dsay,「What』shappeningtome?Whycan』tIremember?」
BeforeAlzheimer』s,mymotherneveradmittedfearorsadnesstome.Now,shebecamestrangelyfreewithheremotions,cryingwhenfrightened,expressingangerwhenfurious,andlaughingwhenexhilarated.AsIreleasedmyperceptionsofwhomymotherwassupposedtobe,webothbecamecalmer.
IusedeverythingIcouldtostayconnectedtoherasshelosttheabilitytoengageinthehallmarksoflinearlife.Mymotherhadalwaysloveddancing.WhenIcamehomefromwork,I』dturnonTinaTurnerorJanetJackson,andwewoulddanceanddance.I』dplayherfavoritesongsonthepiano,andshe』dplaceherhandontopoftheolduprightandsingeachnoteandeverywordperfectly.